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Future Skills Building Lecturer Sam Hay talked about the importance of respect, attention, and channelling Oprah during his presentation at the Building Officials Institute of New Zealand Conference.
Sam delivered his talk titled, Letting you have my way: Negotiation techniques for dealing with difficult situations, at the annual conference.
He said nobody enjoys confrontation. The idea of getting what you want out of confrontation could seem quite foreign to most.
The business approach that he and others in the sector had been trained in could be inadequate when dealing with people and real situations.
“When we focus on people all our results improve, including financial,” said Sam.
Conversations could be an emotional rollercoaster and as a result hard to navigate. Often people talk at, rather than to, each other with neither party listening to the other.
It was important not to bulldoze somebody into a position.
“When you bulldoze someone into a position it’s almost certain they will not adopt your idea … they walk away normally silent and feeling beaten, which makes genuine working relationships difficult.”
Sam said the key is to show the other party respect, irrespective of who they are – something which everyone feels they deserve.
“If you ignore that opportunity to give respect, at a strategic level, you’re just shutting your options down.”
That didn’t mean giving sympathy or admitting liability but rather acknowledging the other person’s experience from their perspective.
The best way to show somebody respect is to give them all your attention and accept the person in front of you as they are - an approach used by psychologists.
“The best person I’ve ever seen do this is Oprah Winfrey,” said Sam.
She could make people comfortable through eye contact, attention, and a calm tone.
“All together it just says this is a safe place to talk.”
Science showed when somebody could hear their experience and emotions expressed back to them, it could neutralise negative thoughts and emotions.
But one technique in doing this was making a list of how the other person might feel and getting those feelings on the table right away.
It was fine if the other party didn’t always agree with you, as disagreement was often a statement of autonomy which freed up emotions and meant people were open to another idea.
Sam’s presentation was one of a number of talks given by industry experts and other guests during the Conference Technical Programme of the BOINZ Conference 2023. Other speakers included Infometrics Chief Executive and Principal Economist Brad Olsen and Former All Black Sir John Kirwan.
